With All The Condolence Letters, None Was Sent to Mr. Democracy's Family

There’s no way a human being with flesh and blood, with ‘human feelings’ would not pay a condolence visit to the relatives of Democracy. It’s painful.

Last Saturday, as usual, three condolences letters rolled out of the Nigerian presidency, but none was sent to the family of Mr Democracy. Abi, they don’t know he finally breathed his last on Friday morning? Maybe they prefer to visit his family in person. No, Vice President Osinbajo isn’t so inhumane. He’s a regular condolence visitor and a vibrant leader of the condolence delegate. This death of Mr Democracy should definitely be on his list of preference for this week.

Democracy was a good man.

He loved everyone, listens to all and sundry. I have never seen him exhibit an act of belligerency. He treats everyone equally and is a respecter of nobody. You need to see how awesome he was. From fulfilling all he promised, giving the power of choice to the people to letting everyone’s voice be heard… Oh, he was such a nice man!

Unfortunately, after a long ailment, he passed away on Friday.

All these months, he has been bedridden at the Federal Medical Center, Aso Villa. As a point of fact, he was been attended to by Dr Buhari. Prior to this time, every compos mentis Nigerian has argued if it’s okay to let Dr Buhari keep attending to his health. Hailers presented him as a veteran in nurturing Democracy. I was bewildered.

“But, he killed Mr Democracy’s father in 1983 nah? How can he now care for the son?”

You can’t give what you don’t have keh. If you ask me, I’ll say his doctoral certificate is an affidavit. No relative of Democracy has ever blossomed in his hands. There was nothing I didn’t say in 2015 about the danger Mr democracy will be in if we let Dr Buhari attend to him.

In 2019, Mr Democracy’s condition further deteriorated, but those who know what’s best for Nigeria still voted for Dr Buhari to carry on with his work. According to them, he was the best consultant for the job, an Angel from above. A lot has been spent on Mr Democracy. He even celebrated his 20th year of uninterrupted service to the Federal Republic this year. Little did I know he’d die this same year.

Alas, he passed away on Friday in the most horrible way, right in front of those who could have saved his life, the Democracy Safekeeping Service (DSS).

When we retrieved the autopsy of Democracy, we found out he was poisoned to death by tyranny. Ah! Tyranny! Tyranny that killed Democracy’s uncle, sisters and in-laws in Cameron, Zimbabwe, Tigo, Uganda and the likes. We have to ask Dr Buhari — the epitome of no-nonsense that he is — how the poison was smuggled into Democracy’s room at the hospital. There’s no way we will not investigate Dr Buhari, he must know one or many things about this issue.

His faction in the hospital has been supporting him ever since. They said Democracy isn’t dead, that he only faked his death. Some said, Dr Buhari knows nothing about his death. Unfortunately, Dr Buhari and his cohorts have been playing deaf and dumb since Friday that Democracy died.

Who will bell the cat? Democracy was a good man. We cannot let his death go in vain. Should we organise a national day of fasting and prayer for his resurrection? Please advise us.

Kogi Elections: Was Democracy Raped?

A round of applause for INEC, security operatives, and Kogites. They all worked together to ensure we had one of the most peaceful, non-violent, free and fair elections in any state in Nigeria. What more could we describe as peaceful when the electorate cast their votes with ultimate reverence instilled by guns, thugs, and bullets? Who born you not to coordinate yourself under duress?

Our electoral reform must be tougher than rocket science. Election results no longer reflect the will of the people, except the will of the oppressors and dictators who seek to impose themselves on the people like a rapist on a voluptuous damsel. Actually, they are all rapists. Or what do we call them? Maybe “accidental public servants” is the right word. They politically rape the people, plunder on their resources and cart away valuables when their 8 years is complete.

Because the Presidency holds the lives of the citizens in high esteem, they have to, first of all, congratulate whoever wins in Kogi, applaud INEC for a job well done and shower encomium on security operatives before they — if they will — count the number of lost lives, rough-handled citizens, injured voters, and traumatised individuals. Meanwhile, it is an offence to mentally or physically endanger any kind of animal in the UK. Is an animal in the UK now worth more than a Nigerian? Well, your heart can only be where your treasure is. If they had invested so much in the citizens, they’ll place so much value on them. Every Nigerian is only valuable every election year.

The handwriting is already on the wall. We must prepare for the 2023 elections else we will see another Kogi elections — but on a broader scale.

The next level broom seeks to sweep everywhere including where it clearly isn’t popular. This has been the trademark of every election that has taken place under their watch. Maybe peace means another thing in their dictionary. Peace is enforcing the broom on people. Peace is deploying federal power to forcefully win elections. Peace is using peaceful thugs to romance ballot boxes when the tides aren’t in their favour. It’s looking very much like the relationship they have with nonviolent elections has long ended.

We have told bootlickers on their sides, but they still argue with us despite the fact that their lord and personal saviour is owing them nine months salary and they cannot afford a good education for their children. They still remain loyal.

In the midst of all these, my thoughts are with Kogites. Kogites whose opportunity to get down from the bus of yahaya, sorry, yeyegovernance into another of their dream might have been sabotaged. Well, Kogites should have forgiven him. Or didn’t he apologise and even rented beggars from Abuja and Kaduna to join him? E fi sile, omode lo nsee, they said. No controversy, they really enjoyed the broom these past years. It has thoroughly swept all that true accountability, democracy, and governance should bring. No matter their intentions, struggles and desires; the broom was there to wipe it off. I wish Kogites get what they truly desire.

Fake News, Fake Legislators, Fake Government.

Nigerians have entered ‘one chance’. The bill to curb fake news propagated on social media has passed its first hearing at the iron stamp senate. Oh, don’t let the big grammar — Protection from Internet Falsehood and Manipulation Bill, 2019 — deceive you. Fake news is fake news.

Only people like us who don’t mean well for Nigeria and are not analytical enough will think fake news isn’t top of Nigeria’s problem. Let me describe it using the words of Senator Mohammed Sani Musa, the sponsor of the bill: “In a developing nation facing so many challenges, there is no better time regulate the Internet.” Ladies and Gents, because of the many challenges we’re facing, now is the time to fight the spread of fake news.

Fake news on social media is an idiot. It is responsible for the hunger in the land, the slow growth rate of our economy, the increase in impoverished people, the poor power sector, the constant diminishing of our educational standards, and the mammoth crowd of Nigerians seeking to run out of the country. We’ve even closed our borders to avoid entrance of foreign fake news.

In fact, if we check properly, fake news is the reason why it has taken so long to complete Lagos-Ibadan expressway. Therefore, according to the right-thinking senator, it has to come first on the list of menaces to do away with. And, it must be implemented as fast as the minimum wage we’ve been dragging since last year. 

Our distinguished Senator, inside his properly air-conditioned office, even gave examples of nations where the fake news bill has been fully grafted into their law. You know it’s an abomination to compare Nigeria and saner climes when we intend describing unemployment rate, quality of education, wages and salaries, technology, power, economy, and transportation. But, when it’s time to mugulise or swindle the populace, they are quick to get a reference from abroad.

If we say the fake news on social media they’re seeking to curb with the bill are articles that point out the flaws in the current administration, publications that don’t dance to the tune of their ruling party and writings that expose the decadence in the system, their bootlickers will call us names.

Even without this bill, we see how gentle and warming journalists and generic news writers are being treated. The way they go in and out of courtrooms to greet their lawyer-friends is honourable. Some of them even mysteriously disappear for holidays proudly sponsored by the government.

No doubt this bill is from a pure conscience with good intent. This doesn’t look like an attempt to rob Nigerians of their freedom of speech and expression. 

In the language of well-meaning Nigerians: Rome wasn’t built in a day. It seems though that this Rome is taking forever to be built. Maybe the building materials are imported from Jupiter.

The Parable of the Pothole

Seeing is believing. After many years of wondering about the benefits of ethnic bigotry and the they-are-my-kinsmen mentality among Nigerians; I experienced firsthand why it is good to take sides with our ethnic group when matters of national importance arise. I now know, that no matter what, the interest of my kinsman must come first in conversations involving national issues. Even if he (my kinsman) is guilty of a crime punishable by death, I’ll stand by him. That’s the spirit of brotherhood, isn’t it? We should praise and defend the thief because he’s our kinsman.

Let me tell you what I saw.

I boarded a public bus somewhere in Nigeria. You kuku know that this our nation flows with milk, honey, sugar, and good roads. I mean, motorable roads that elongate your sojourn. Roads with so good a condition that the elite prefer to fly over it in their jets and helicopters. I don’t even know why they do that, maybe to have a better view of the terrain. You know, it’s beautiful when you’re looking from up there. They’re so sure of the work they did on the roads that they do all within their capacity to totally avoid passing through them. Let me not digress, I better stay with my story like Buhari stays in Nigeria.

While I was in that public bus, we encountered a pothole, way larger than the gap between Bubu’s front teeth. Then, something surprising happened.

As the driver approached it, the pothole cried out with a loud voice, “Who are you, driver?” Our driver responded as fast as the economic growth rate of Nigeria with, “I am Muhammed from Bornu state.” To my amazement, the pothole closed up leaving us with a smooth road to drive through. I asked the driver what just happened, he said, “Walahi, it’s because I’m from Bornu. What affects other Nigerians doesn’t affect us. Some basic problems other people encounter don’t come near us.”

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Interestingly, this is the mentality of many Nigerians. They reason as if what affects one doesn’t affect the other. Before you tell them how bad Nigeria has come to be, they’ll quickly run under the canopy of ethnicity and cover themselves with the wrapper of mediocrity, spitting into the air and retrieving it with their face. If you try to point out the errors of the person whose boot they’re licking, they’ll be quick to label you a member of the opposition.

“Shut up joor, I know you’re a PDP member. If you’re not PDP then you’re one of those Biafra boys,” they’ll say.

Their statement is deserving of an ecliptic slap. Sometimes, I’m bewildered at how they are above 18 years when I see them with their voters’ card. Who will tell their big ears that cannot hear that insecurity, unemployment, kidnapping, bad roads, poverty, and maladministration don’t know political party, ethnicity, or any geographic region?

If the image of Nigeria is destroyed in the international community, is it not all of us that will suffer for it? Who will be quarantined for thorough checks at the airport? Only Igbos, abi? Na all of us go suffer am. Victims of kidnapping aren’t from a particular state or region. SARS and Police will not ask for your state of origin before they brutalise and harass you.

When we say let’s fight this impunity and the corrupt Nigerian system together, they’ll request that you shut up and that all is well with the nation. All is really well with the dry well of a situation we have found ourselves. Sometimes they’ll even point accusing fingers at their opposition.

Bros, this nonsense happening in Nigeria is enough to go round. If you’re patient enough, you’ll eat the fattest bone of the results of the maladministration that has ravaged the land.

September to Remember

Dear Diary,

I’m not telling you about the toothless corruption crusade that our leader has used to becloud people’s judgement here — I’ll tell you that another day. Well, some quarters believe the fight is going on strong. Especially with the way prisons (sorry, correctional centers) have been congested with looters.

Diary, did you know it’s treason to yarb Mr President too? Mr Sowore’s mosquito has landed on PMB’s scrotum — he is the latest victim. But who is a treasonable felon? The person who toppled Shagari’s civilian govt. through a military coup or the one who complained of the decadence in the system?

I want to tell you a few things that happened in September. Especially the ones that reached those at home and abroad. Can’t you see our God is wonderful? The land flowed with so much milk and honey that it even reached those abroad.

1. Closure of the border to encourage local rice production.

Diary, this one weak me. Nigeria can feed Africa, Nigeria can feed Africa; when will it happen? Abi is it a prayer point they’re raising for us to launch into the heavens?

I bought rice this month only to discover it came with plenty free meats. You know those meats that can rearrange your dental formula? It was full of stones. FG sentenced us to eating our local rice when they locked the border. Do we still need a prophet to tell us we are not up to the task? Especially the affidavit agriculture minister we have been having after Mr Akinwunmi.

I told some agriculturists that only a nation that has belle-full and has surplus closes her borders. They threw me out through the balcony asking if I didn’t see the surplus rice PMB has provided. No rice mill is adequately functioning yet you closed the border. One will think those who should be working with Mr President should know better. Well, Baba has even outsourced the nation to daddy Abba leaving the nation with two VPs: one for Admin, the other for condolence visits.

2. Xenophobic attacks on Nigerians in SA

May we never enter trouble that will require our country’s help. Diary, those SA boys started again, the exact way they usually pamper our Nigerian brothers there. It was out of this act of care that many Nigerians lost their lives, businesses, and family to the cold hands of death.

Guess what, Baba handled it very well. He met Ramaphosa and took some fine pictures with him. We used SA’s eyes to see trobule o. Bubu sent a delegation as soon as possible to SA, only that they moved so fast that it took four days to arrive there.

It was during this gallant fight against SA that we got so engaged and forgot we had to evacuate our citizens from SA. Thank God for Air Peace that peacefully shouldered the responsibility of the Nigerians who opted to move from SA’s frying pan to Nigeria’s fire.

As talk no deh tire us, we’re still discussing how to get compensation for damages for weeks now until we will arrive at a silent bustop. Aunty Dabiri has kuku promised those that returned N40,000 worth of recharge card with free data to empower them. I hope it’ll be enough to update those still in SA, “Please tell my family not to come o. It’s not how I thought it’ll be. The milk flowing here is sour and the bees producing honey are on exile.”

3. VAT, bank deposit and withdrawal charges

Our financial sector became so full of productive ideas that they want to kill the common man with various kinds of levies disguised as VAT/deposit and withdrawal charges. There is no hardship in the land, our spending power is strong and Amrica cannot even meet up with our GDP; so, they decided to collect some money from us.

VAT increased from 5% to 7.2% so that minimum wage — the one they’ve been using to scam us since last year — can be paid.

These finance people got so mentally strong that they want to drain from any source they see. After rubbing us with multidimensional poverty oil, they still want to take out of the little we’re managing to survive on.

Even people with affidavit certificates in finance can’t think of creative ways for a nation to earn rather than taxing the poor so hard. With N500,000 in my account now, I have to pay the bank N20,000 as withdrawal charges and N15,000 to deposit the same amount of money. Very soon, we’ll be contributing money to the government to repair roads, provide power, and enhance security. Abeg, let’s just end this September. I hope in this new week, another news that’ll fuel the frustration of Nigerians will not surface again. See you later, diary.

Mediocrity is Praying

The prayer of a Nigerian carries a distinct aroma into the heavens. The entire heavens recognise the Nigerian prayer from afar. God, the almighty, must be very much acquainted with the prayer of Nigerians, if not tired. Even the prayer-carrying angels must be weary of presenting the petitions of Nigerians to God. And you know Nigerians, they possess great prowess in shooting prayer vocabularies.

Since I was born and now I’m growing up, I’ve never seen a nation whose citizenry will put one leg on top of another to vote an incompetent leader on election day and then go ahead to organise revival, white fasting garnished with prayer crusades and different colours of vigil to invoke the spirit of competence upon the incompetent leader. Is it by force? A man cannot give what he doesn’t have, se eti yin dii nii? You left a professor to vote someone with controversial WAEC results, I see you’re a well-meaning citizen of your fatherland.

E je kama gbadura fun won (let’s keep praying for them) is always their sharp response when you highlight the decadence in their ‘all is well’ nation to them. Daddy, did they use your brain to wrap akara when you went to the polling unit to vote this incompetence? Tell me. Who borrowed your sense on election day? Now you’re using your prayer vocabularies to disturb the heavens. Because God doesn’t sleep or slumber, does that mean you shouldn’t let him properly ruminate on the dimension of thunder that will fire looters of public funds in Nigeria?

Science and common sense will put an end to some things but, no, Nigerians must pray about it.

One of them, a member of Aladura People’s Congregation (APC) once yelled at me, “Ola, we must pray o! This bloodshed in the land is demonic. It’s from the powers of the inner circle. My daddy’s uncle’s sister’s mummy’s aunty has battled it before. Nigeria is under attack from the pit of hell; pray!” Aunty, it’s not from the pit of hell, it’s from the pit of Aso rock.

Well, I think “fixing portholes” has been added to the job description of the angels; the cherubs should be able to provide proper health care; and there’s no way the seraphs cannot provide ordinary pipe-borne water nah. Isn’t it? Since all power belongs to God, prayers should be able to generate enough Kilowatt of electrical energy needed to satisfy the power needs of Nigerians while we pay less attention to power generation policy. Who policy help when there’s prayer?

Tell them about the international companies that are moving out of the country, they’ll still twist you with, “They’re the devils we’re talking about. God is chasing them out” Ah, which devil? Devil is leaving your country with thousands of his former employees jobless? That devil must be hornless with an office in the statehouse. 

I don’t know how we don’t know that something is wrong somewhere with our country when our prayer points begin to tilt toward the provision of basic amenities. When prayer for protection from terrorist attacks, provision of good road, provision of healthcare facilities and pipe-borne water supply begins to creep into your prayers, it’s either something is doing your country or your country is doing something. Can’t you see the way people in the UK, US, and Canada are screaming those prayers in religious places? Ehn, tell me. If we remove those things from your prayers, I doubt if you’ll have a devil to chase again. Well, you won’t even know, the land is flowing with milk and honey nah. Same mediocrity has made us a talent exporting nation while our country is in shambles

See how all your prayers since 1960 have produced plenty crude oil refinery for the nation, many monumental projects apart from the ones the oyinbos left us with, ASUU has stopped striking like thunder, the number of our out-of-school children has drastically reduced, and we even produce more foodstuff than we can take. See how we export our best hands abroad because of surplus development here, and portable water continues to reach all Nigerians. Sisi mii, aku adura o!

Where Are Nigeria's Best Brains?

The way Nigeria is losing her best brains to other countries is alarming, at least for me. Some well-meaning citizens have said it’s a sign of surplus productivity. Or what do we call it when a nation starts exporting her best hands abroad? Orisirisi Nigeria-born British kinikan, Nigeria-born Canada kinikan. Don’t even talk of Nigeria-born Americans, they plenty pass Atlantic ocean. In fact, there is no way Mr Integrity will list his achievements in 2023 without mentioning, “We successfully scouted for many of our best brains that have been abroad.” Sebi it’s an achievement, at least to the ‘sai baba’ compound.

Aunty mii, Abike Dabiri is always the chief announcer of their names and feats. She’ll be like, “Our commitment to improving the image of Nigeria internationally continues. I’m happy to tell you that under this PMB administration, 10 Nigerians won a scholarship to study in the UK.” Excuse me, how does that reduce the price of garri in the market? E dakun, how has it reduced our number of out of school children?

Let Lagbaja win a contract in Dubai, it’s an achievement; as well as when Mr Tamedu wins a scholarship in Canada.

Thank God Baba has told us to leave this country if it is no more habitable for us. Leave it for Baba, it’s not by force. The more we are, the more headache we’re giving Baba. Maybe Baba was trying to copy his US counterpart with that statement; the one that constantly enumerates the number of jobs he provides every month and how he has improved the standard of living of his people. The one that congratulates graduates in his country, encouraging them to go on to be the best they can be because he has created the enabling environment.

But Baba told some University graduates earlier this year that a degree doesn’t guarantee a rosy life. It is just the beginning of the struggle. Baba was using one corner eye to tell them, “E fee kuu, suffer go tire you.” Baba could be right because he himself was a graduate—at least graduate na graduate. Especially a graduate whose O’level results are directly delivered to his residence. Awon special candidate niyen. Let’s not even go there today.

Baba is very much concentrated on washing the country clean of corrupt people. Can’t you see how he chose those he personally knew as Ministers, despite the pressure from outside?

Why will the best brains stay in the country full of opportunities and reward for success… opportunity to be a member of the world poverty capital nation and handsome rewards for undignified labour. Can’t you see how huge the prize and recognition for the best graduating students of our Universities are? Presentation of a mug, two thousand five hundred naira is a bonafide reason for any reasonable student to face his studies as Baba is facing Nigeria, isn’t it?

Is that not what you people said? That too much money or recognition for our brightest minds will get into their head and will not make them achieve more?

Omo, this obodo naija lasan, a fi suuru nii. Let me famz them jare; I’m a Nigerian-born British citizen. Don’t say I’m not patriotic, is Nigeria not

in my identity?